My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
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for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Living the best life.. 😊
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
there’s probably a fee though
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.