My favorite female superhero
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
you stereotypes are all alike
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭