my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
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You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Breaking news:
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.