@amydillon

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

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@GrantTanaka

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

@Ygrene

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

@panmidwest

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

@BradBroaddus

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

@KalvinMacleod

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

@MissBee73

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

@wittysiddharth

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

@markydoodoo

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

@capricecrane

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”