@GrantTanaka there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
@amydillon My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
You Might Also Like
@GrantTanaka 
@Ygrene Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
@panmidwest EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
@BradBroaddus I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
@KalvinMacleod MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
@iwearaonesie wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
@MissBee73 You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
@wittysiddharth Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
@markydoodoo IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
@capricecrane What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”