my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Help Wanted
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.