@badbanana

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

You Might Also Like

@DrunjAF

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

@simoncholland

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

@fridaycandy

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

@iwearaonesie

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

@Amusitr0n

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

@MarfSalvador

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

@MrFornicator

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

@ghostkrogh

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky