Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
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Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”
– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky