My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

You Might Also Like


I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in


Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.


Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?


Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.


“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”


Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.


I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.


Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.


Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?