Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mattytalks

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

@AbbyHasIssues

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

@VodkaShorebird

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@neiltyson

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

@causticbob

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

@bencoffeehall

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

@sachinsebastian

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

@ddsmidt

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

@DukeLemoyne

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?