my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Well, this certainly took a turn
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite