My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]