my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen