My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.


We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.


House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”


I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?


I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”


I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.


*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*


Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.


If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.