@ThisOneSayz

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

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@robdelaney

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

@UNDEADTRESOR

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

@robfee

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

@SnellWarren

I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?

@Kendragarden

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

@xoMISSYox

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

@_NinJar

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

@amishschool

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

@imbrucetheshark

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.