My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.