My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
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Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
So glad we cleared that up
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.