My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
There are usually two types of merchants.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.