my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Getting married soon just need a spouse
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE