My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
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[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Geez man, take it easy.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??