My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
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Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
The sacred texts.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.