My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
You Might Also Like
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
hey, alexa
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway