My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley


Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?


EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer


You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.


Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.


Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.


I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..


Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.