@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

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@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@ninatreemonkey

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

@VodkaShorebird

Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?

@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@Mardigroan

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

@IGotsSmarts

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

@Gowitty1

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

@JediGigi

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

@stanleybehrman

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..

@sofarrsogud

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.