@NYC_Blonde

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

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@Aunchkin

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

@_theigirl

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

@SwanieChicken

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

@SlipNutsTM

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@thepaulasuzanne

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

@SaraThomas84

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

@metickleu

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

@sloganeerist

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

@DavidAdt1

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.