My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
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I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.