My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
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How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
@funTweeters
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO