Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.