My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Perfect
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.