My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
live long and prosper!
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
how to have fun when you’re poor
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.