My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Make sure you鈥檙e checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
What they don鈥檛 tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it鈥檚 evidence in a murder trial.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pok茅mon
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I鈥檓 so swole
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Yeah it鈥檚 disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn鈥檛 their friends like my joke tho? 馃槫 How rude.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I鈥檓 trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.