My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
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ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
*updates tinder bio*
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store