My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I need to update my racial profile.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
want me to check your oil?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns