My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
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Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
For the baby who has everything
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough