My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I feel it
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Every damn time
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.