My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
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look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My what?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?