My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
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Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.