My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
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Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
We avoided this particular disaster
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Yup
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids