“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.