“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?


Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

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Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.


Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.


Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!


Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”


*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—