@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

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@QueenVofCoffee

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

@aveuaskew

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

@MsCassieDaniels

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@MelKassel

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—