My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
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According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Feels like the fourth month in January
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.