my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.