My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Morning.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
this chia pet tastes awful
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..