My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
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[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.