My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
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Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
This bar smells like my childhood.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣