My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Banking tips
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
So inspired right now.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.