My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
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[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
#Caturday
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
wtf management?!
How dramatic are you?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.