I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
we need to cut costs
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth