My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
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I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no