My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus

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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.


If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser


whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”


Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown


Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.


*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*


I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.


[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me


FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?


ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth