My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
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Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”