My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
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4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
#NoRestForTheWicked