My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories