Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead

dutch so unserious

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

everyone has that one prude friend

{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave