My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
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April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.