My favorite type of men is ramen.
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Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.