My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
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[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.