My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
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The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib