My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
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Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do