Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”

-butter

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.