My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
You Might Also Like
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Daycare worker: No.
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.