My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
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Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Butt weight. There’s more!
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Bloody internet 😳
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
August 8
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Good advice.