My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
I get distracted pretty eas
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50