My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Remember folks 😂
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.